Happy New Year 2009

New Year’s Eve, 1999, was supposed to be as far as it got for humanity. Thanks to short-sighted computer programmers, automated missile launching systems, some form of bug, and the accurate prophecies of Nostradamus, this was the big one; the proverbial “it”: we were all going to die. Except we’re still here some years later, as evidenced by the fact that you are reading this article (and if you read this before 11am, 1st January 2009, your life is really sad)

My predictions for 2009 after the jump:

  1. USA colonizes Uranus. Related jokes NEVER get old.
  2. Canada gets an army
  3. George W. Bush’s dad whips him for not starting the prophecized war in Iran.
  4. Canada conquers the earth; the USA is exiled to Uranus.
  5. One day after Canada conquers the earth, they get conquered by the English army led by Wallace and Gromit. The Simpsons take over land formerly controlled by America, and Peter Griffin is exiled to an island in the Pacific where he is killed by Elliott Sadler.
  6. Terrorists vaporise all Americans left in existence by setting fire to Uranus.
  7. People will actually do that “we should do something some time” when they meet with an old friend
  8. Humanity becomes intelligent
  9. Weather service become 100% accuracy
  10. Bill Gates goes bankrupt
  11. Bags of Potato Chips come full to the rim, not half full of air
  12. Duke Nukem Forever makes it to the Development Phase.

Wishing you all a great, peaceful, prosperous and exciting 2009.