The Friday Picture: Merry x-Mas

Christmas, invented by Coca Cola, is a public holiday celebrating the birth of Santa Claus. Or the invention of presents. Or something like that. It is commonly marked by streets lined with vibrant light displays, people wearing stupid red hats, vastly increased spending at most retail stores and fake snow, despite the fact that it hasn’t actually snowed at Christmas for fifty thousand years.

Annoying children are also a common sight, with their sugarplum bullshit taking up all the good commercial-watching time. All cultures have a midwinter festival, but Christians wanted their own name for their ritual whereby they honor the glory of parking in parking lots, eating live turkeys, biting the heads off of chickens and standing in lines. Christmas is also the only time of the year when rape is considered legal, as long as it performed under mistletoe.

In preparation for Christmas, the masses flock down at once to the town centre to buy their loved ones presents, often causing intense overcrowding, riots, stampeding, crushing, suffocation, death and misery. This period of pre-Yuletide humanitarian chaos is known as “Christmas shopping”. Usually it will last from around mid-morning on the 20th of December to late evening on the 24th of December, when the majority of the public gets off their asses and actually does something for their fellow people for a change.

Devout Christians and non-Christians alike celebrate Christmas on the 25th of December with the same rituals every year. Having wrapped their presents and placed them under the Christmas tree, children and parents emerge from their bedrooms, having had sleepless nights for very different reasons indeed. The children happily open their presents while the parents are just happy that the Christmas ordeal is mostly over for another year. They will eat turkey, drink alcohol and pull crackers filled with the notoriously tedious “Christmas cracker jokes” that drive more people to suicide than depression, mental illness and financial problems combined. They also present Christmas cards, but no one actually cares about those unless they’ve got money in.

WISHING YOU ALL A RELAXING FESTIVE SEASON, FILLED WITH PRESENTS YOU DON’T HAVE TO RETURN AND NO UN-INVITED RELATIVES.